In the moments...

It is in the moments in the in between that I find myself. Fogging up the bathroom mirror with my breath, counting to ten to see if I can stand it. It is the moments when I am tired and close to tears that me peaks through...pulling at the edges, as if I wasn't unraveling fast enough as it is.  Bit by bit I am tearing apart. And each old piece is replaced with something new, similar but different, replication but developing at the same time. And all those pieces that fall away like burned flecks of paper are the bits of me that I am scared to lose. The bits that I have become so comfortable with. The bits I have grown to love and identify with. But now the new bits come in. Ripping off my old bits and tossing them carelessly into the bright flame. Each day it is a choice I make. I rip off these bits and replace them with new bits. Sometimes the choice is not even conscious... this is what I am supposed to do right? This is what my world is supposed to look like. This every striving, never happy, pushing and pulling, drive towards things I do not have. Things I should have. Things I should want...things I do want. And I wonder is it me that really wants these things, or is it the old comfortable, lovable, easily identifiable bits that long for these things? And I wonder...does it really matter?